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coleby (coleby) wrote,
@ 2016-01-01 04:27:00

solomon

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solomon
2016-11-13 08:22 am (local) (link)

I've come at you hot in the last two conversations I've started in here, and that really don't feel right. i've been up all night trying to think about it, trying to really be honest about why that is, or even why i haven't stopped in to talk to you about small bullshit or anything good. i realized a couple things that i'm trying to square with and make right, and i hope you'll hear me.

first, if I ever sounded belittling when I mentioned what you talked about or learned in therapy, i'm really, truly sorry. what you've got going there is obviously working for you in a healthy way, and i respect that, and have really tried to follow your example and have tried to internalize those thoughts and actions, i just don't have the language to talk about what i'm trying to be more aware of without filtering it through your experience. a lot of it makes me uncomfortable to talk about so candidly, and the only way i knew how to offset the discomfort was to change the way i talked about it to seem less scary. but i never meant to minimize this good thing you're doing for yourself, and i'm sorry if i made it sound like i was.

second, ever since that night in the hotel, I've been really trying to be more honest about when stuff happens that bothers me. i figured that, next to working on things with ana, that was the thing i owed it to you most to work on. it's hard for me, trying to square that with this belief I've had my whole life that what we have in this relationship is perfect. like, I'm not saying we never fought before, or that every time we did i just said "sure it's fine," to be friends or whatever. just that the idea that our friendship has a thing that needs to be worked on makes me feel...unmoored. or unsteady or something. I've got more to say about that, but I'm trying to organize my thoughts, so 'I'll say it there. what i mean to say is i'm scared and having a hard time balancing wanting to be honest with you when things go bad and the feeling that everything is unsteady

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solomon
2016-11-13 08:22 am (local) (link)

third, about these last two conversations in general, because they feel weirdly related in their own way. i'm still trying to square with the idea that you and i would ever have secrets from each other. i'm sure there are more than just those, but...that thing about Jessie was the first time I've ever been asked to keep something from you ever, and i really don't like it. i know this may be a one-way thing, but i don't have any secrets from you. even the thing with Simone, that's--it wasn't a secret until she told somebody, is the thing. her telling Ana and Ana telling you gave it that power to be a thing that i didn't tell you. and at any rate, i remember us sitting in the rabbit room that night talking about it as a concept, which was why we joked with the girls that the drag show should happen. and like...i've been trying to figure out why i feel so betrayed by knowing that she told her, and betrayed by Ana telling you, especially knowing that we'd talked about it in chat all that time ago, and it's a lot of things. it was about the telling, and about how it came to you making it seem shameful, and about all the stuff we talked about last night, yeah. but more than anything, it was about how shitty it felt to be made to feel like I have secrets from you, cause i don't. I just. don't. i've told you every bad thing I've ever done, every weird sex thing I wanted to try, shit, every bad thought I've ever had. and maybe that's not what it's like for you, but it is for me, and both those conversations were, in part, me reacting badly to the idea of having a secret from you. i don't like it. it makes me feel unsteady.

and finally, just cause fuck this is getting so long, i guess that's just sort of...what i am now. how i feel. and i'm trying really hard not to apologize for those feelings or minimize them right here, so bear with me. but ever since me and Simone broke up, I've felt adrift. or. unsteady. not just with her, with everything. i walked away from that, i lost rita, and i lost what felt like my ability to be a man and do a man's work. i'm still not a hundred percent from that. i still can't do everything i did before, and it's taken a lot to make myself be okay with the fact that i may never get to be a hundred percent again. and all that at once, it's just. it's a lot. the life i'm living now is 100% different than the life i was living six months ago, and even with all the good that's come of it, it feels like i'm floating and don't have any control over anything. which is part of why I'm having such a hard time squaring with us having to work through something. this friendship sometimes feels like the only constant, steady, unchanging thing i have left, and when i can feel it changing, it freaks me out. makes me hold on tighter in a way that's ultimately not good for it.

anyways, i guess all this is to say I'm sorry for yelling at you those two times, and for the times I've been a bad friend. I'm trying. I'm really trying. I'm also hurting a lot just...as a person, and am trying to figure out how to be okay with that. i'm gonna get some sleep. I love you.

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coleby
2016-11-13 07:06 pm (local) (link)

you never sounded belittling, so you don’t need to apologize for that.

and i appreciate you trying to be more open and honest about the way you feel, and for working on things with ana. you know how much i appreciate that, truly. our relationship is still perfect, solomon. all relationships need work and the fact that we need so much less work than most is testament to how solid it is. i’m sorry that it makes you feel unsteady and i don’t know how to help that, other than to remind you again that we’re good, we always were and we will always be good. troubles or not. so tell me how to help you feel less unsteady there, and i’ll do it.

i don’t like the idea of having secrets from each other either, but i guess where i’m different is i never saw them as secrets and more just as stuff we haven’t mentioned yet. it’s only a secret if there are great lengths taken to keep it hidden, and that’s. that’s not the case for any of these things. and it wasn’t bought to me as a shameful thing, it was a private thing that we shouldn’t have been talking about but that she mentioned to me because she and i were talking about me doing the same thing. and i guess she thought it might make me feel better to know you had talked to simone about it too, and it did make me feel less tight about it. to us, it wasn’t a serious or malicious or scandalous thing and i’m sorry i was careless with it and i’m sorry you felt betrayed by it and that simone told ana. it never made me feel like you kept secrets from me, ever. at all.

i also understand you’ve been through a lot of changes in the last few months and i could see that you’ve been having a hard time getting around them. of course i could see that, and i’m sorry i haven’t done more to help you with them. i guess what got in my way was thinking all the changes were good, so i didn’t think they’d be so hard to navigate. tavy is a good thing, not roofing anymore is a good thing, getting signed to my label, gearing up for music, thinking about having a family with your girl, those were all really good things you deserved and were finally getting, in my eyes. and i didn’t think of them being changes you’d have troubles with, i’m sorry for that, truly.

you’re not a bad friend. and don’t worry about those conversations, there’s nothing to even forgive. i know you’re trying and i know you’re hurting, so tell me how to help you.

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	solomon 2016-11-13 07:37 pm (local) (link)
	i think. i don't know. i think i need to get help. i don't know how. (Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)

	coleby 2016-11-13 07:46 pm (local) (link)
	there's nothing wrong with that, we all need help sometimes. i can help you find someone to talk to or a program to do that you feel good about, the good thing about living in 2016 is mental health treatment is advanced as fuck and not as creepy and shameful as it used to sound. (Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)

	solomon 2016-11-13 08:10 pm (local) (link)
	will you really? i downloaded this meditation app thing and then it started talking to me and i felt really ashamed so i stopped. (Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)

coleby
2016-11-13 08:23 pm (local) (link)

getting out of that shame feeling is hard, but it's a step you gotta start making. for me it was just that everyone around me was tired of my shit and i was tried of it and therapy finally made sense as the next step. idk what it'll be for you, but there's nothing to be ashamed of. shit if i'm in fucking therapy, why the hell would you be ashamed of it. i got goddamn workbooks, solomon. actual therapy homework sitting in my basement and office just in case i get the urge to be forgiving and shit at work. ana made me an anger suitcase and fills it with plates and cups and glass and things i can break and sits it at the foot of the stairs for me. you find ways to cope, and you do them bravely. cause this is what we have to do to be whole. and we always do what we have to do.

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solomon
2016-11-13 08:27 pm (local) (link)

how do you get past feeling like it's wrong cause you're not being faithful enough? cause i mean. i gotta be honest with you, i been praying for so hard for so long, every single day since things started going bad, going to church and giving and trying to find answers and waiting and being patient and listening and...nothing. just nothing. i don't feel comforted by it. i don't feel anything. and doing this feels like giving up on that.

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coleby
2016-11-13 08:36 pm (local) (link)

well, for one, i'm pretty sure even god has a fucking therapist. and two, why does it have to be giving up? why can't therapy and self discovery be another tool we're blessed with to get through this? if you was waiting on a yes or no answer to an essay question, you was always gonna be unsatisfied with whatever came. this is. brother. this is the way of our parents and old folks that didn't believe in the power of our minds and doctors, that pray over cancer instead of praying AND getting chemo. we ain't gotta be like that.

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solomon
2016-11-13 08:43 pm (local) (link)

i know. i know it's that. and i know it's backwards but i never knew another way. like i think about what my daddy'd say if he knew i was depressed cause it feels like i can't work with my hands, or cause i'm sad over a girl, or cause i don't have a solid grasp on who i am. and i know it makes me weak as a person to care so much, but like. you keep talking about me standing on my feet and knowing who i am the way i think i am and i just. i'm 31, and i've just. never. i've never. maybe ever done that.

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coleby
2016-11-13 11:08 pm (local) (link)

don't think about that. your dad, our dads grew up in a time where feelings weren't for men and it might have worked for them, but that's not the world we live in no more. the hardest thing i had to do, still working on doing, is not shaming myself for the shit i go through. and you gotta find a way to do it too, cause it's just. it's not practical, not helpful, not part of the process. and i believe that you know who you are, you just forgot for a little bit. you know who you are to me, to my family, to yours, to our friends. you are still that man, you always will be. i like to think of it like...we all start off with little rooms and small twin beds cause that's what fit us when we were small, and as we grow and carry more and change to fit the world to fit ourselves, as we learn and find new parts, we get bigger and we have to make our rooms and our beds big enough to hold us. you just gotta reach out for the walls and make room.

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	solomon 2016-11-13 11:15 pm (local) (link)
	...i think i need help for real what the fuck, i'm in the dark and i'm crying a little and this feels really bad, what. i didn't even get that high, i can't. can you--i'm sorry, can you come sit with me just like. for a minute. (Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)

	coleby 2016-11-13 11:19 pm (local) (link)
	solomon, it's gonna be okay. listen to me, you're gonna be alright, i promise you. and you need to turn on some lights, daylight savings time is a huge contributor to seasonal depression, you can't fuck around with that. i'll be over in a minute, okay? (Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)

	solomon 2016-11-13 11:21 pm (local) (link)
	okay. i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i don't know what's happening. (Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)

	coleby 2016-11-13 11:24 pm (local) (link)
	everything's fine, okay? have you ate today? (Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)

	solomon 2016-11-13 11:26 pm (local) (link)
	i don't remember. no. Wait yeah, after the gym, maybe. (Reply to this)(Parent) (Thread)

(no subject) -

coleby, 2016-11-13 11:29 pm (local)

(no subject) -

solomon, 2016-11-13 11:30 pm (local)

	coleby 2016-11-13 08:26 pm (local) (link)
	of course i'll help you. at no point along the way have i ever not been here for you even if it felt like that. whatever you need, i will always do. always. it's not even a question. (Reply to this)(Parent)

coleby
2016-11-13 07:12 pm (local) (link)

also, something i'd like to talk about/ask you, that i'm only just now realizing. it seems like you're not as happy as you say you are or as happy as i admittedly felt like you should be. i know you're still dealing with how your relationship with simone shaped you. but it feels like, and this may be something you've been afraid to express to me, but it feels like you still have some or a lot of feelings there for her that are hindering what's in front of you or hindering your acceptance and enjoyment of your present situation. thats reasonable, but i kinda need to know what's going on there. if you could just be honest with me. because even when you talk about tavy, it's like 4 sentences out of 20 and just telling me "yes, she's great, understanding and wants a family and loves me, it's great" which is literally everything you ever wanted for your life. and even when i brought all that up about having a baby and a family and knowing that tavy would 100% give it to you, you were just. oddly underwhelmed. and like you said, it could be cause of other things you were feeling blocking the way, so i need you to be real with me. cause you did move on fast, and "fast" is just in comparison to the decade you spent with another human being, and i know it could have been motivated by thinking you were out of time or idk falling behind. but dude you have your whole life to do this. you don't have to rush anything or settle for anything. so tell me that you are fucking happy with tavy or that you're not or something in between, just please be real. i won't even be mad if you admit you're still in love with and wanna get back with simone, i just need to know what's up.

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solomon
2016-11-13 07:36 pm (local) (link)

it's. i don't know. it's not that i'm not happy. it's that i'm scared it's not real. there's no way it can be real because she didn't spend ten years trying to get me to feel like she was returning the barest scrap of emotion. i didn't have to work for it. she just. came to me and said she wanted me, and i'm so scared, i can't sleep when i think about it. like, i'm scared i'm gonna get so invested in her and she's gonna leave or it's gonna change. i'm scared of like...i'm just. i'm scared it's not real. i do feel those things. but i don't know if i can even trust that, because what if it's not real. what if i just feel it because it's filling a hole that's been there for so long? what if i go on the road and i cheat on her? or what if she takes six years to figure out that she doesn't want a family? what if any of that stuff. and simone...i was so fucking sad with her half the time, but at least i knew that it was real. i don't want to be with her anymore, but i'm ashamed, cause i don't even feel like i can look back and say "this was worth it because of this." i can't figure out if what we had was even good. and that feels like...i don't know. i just. i spent so much time wanting it. and praying for it. and i still feel so stupid for having placed so much faith in a person who didn't want it, it makes me hate myself. like, how can i possibly be trusted to take care of a person when i can't even understand and accept the parts of a person they tell me about themselves? all that stuff about her not wanting to love me or not wanting kids. it's not like they were a surprise. i knew. i always knew and i just couldn't accept it, and i thought if i just held on long enough, maybe it would change, and it makes me feel so fucking stupid. and not having that thing to hold onto anymore, or to hope for even, it cut this big part out of my heart that i don't know how to fill.

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coleby
2016-11-13 07:45 pm (local) (link)

i definitely understand all this. and it's something i've thought too, that maybe you and tavy happened because you needed to have faith in yourself again, cause she was filling a hole definitely, and cause you needed to prove you could be loved or love someone or have something good. and i get all those reasons, but yeah, it's no wonder it doesn't feel real or really anchor you. you've known tavy a few months and it doesn't even seem like it was such a explosive romance that it totally blew everything you felt for simone out of the water, but you wanted it to be. it's not your fault that it's not. you never even learned to live with the guy that was 10 years older and not with simone now. how could you believe it if you don't believe in yourself. and the shit with simone just. you need to stop fucking around and right now start taking steps to forgive yourself for that and reconcile yourself with the fact that you had valid and good reasons to do what you did and you're free of that shit now and the only person in charge of which way you go now.

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solomon
2016-11-13 08:10 pm (local) (link)

i did. i did want it to be that. i still want it to be that, because she's so good to me. and she does love me. and i am happy with her. all of those things are true. i feel safe with her, and it kills me that i can't stop being scared of it getting taken away. like, i can't just lean into it being good, because there's still that thought like "what if this is just the first of ten years before she leaves again." and i don't...i don't know, i don't even fucking know who i am as a person, or as a partner, without being attached to her. i don't know how to be mindful of all the shit that went wrong with her and not make those mistakes again without getting into the same panic that made me stay so long in the first place. and i think...i don't know, i think about if i get attached to her--if you guys get attached to her--and it doesn't work out, then what? i feel unmoored like i feel with everything else but it don't feel fair to anchor myself to her because she's so young and even if she wasn't young, a person who's only a person when they're attached to another person isn't a person at all.

it's...yeah, i dunno, sorry, this is a lot. i got kinda high to be able to talk about this and now i can't stop.

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coleby
2016-11-13 08:20 pm (local) (link)

well, tell me this. even if yall are together, have 2 kids say and a house and some cars and in 10 or 12 years you break up and end up co-parenting. would you decide to just not do this with tavy just cause you might be wrong for one another when you're fucking 40 or just cause you might hit some roadblocks? cause i can tell you from experience, it ain't the end of the world. it was the end of you and simone cause you had differences you couldn't reconcile. you and tavy don't have them fundamental differences. shit you and plenty of other girls wouldn't have them differences and you were a fucking kid still when you met simone. you grew up together just like me and ana did and you changed as people and grew out of one another, it fucking happens dude. it's reasonable, it's okay, it's fucking hard, but it's okay. and i know it takes time, but as long as you're looking at life for some guarantees to satisfy your fears, you ain't gonna get none. the only guarantees and comforts you can get are from yourself and the people who love you, that no matter what, we're all gonna be okay, we'll make it okay somehow.

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solomon
2016-11-13 08:35 pm (local) (link)

no, i know. those are reasonable things to expect. like, there's a difference between that and what i feel. like, general anxieties about a relationship not working out, and then this paralyzing, fucking all-consuming terror that this isn't real, and that any second now she's going to figure out that i'm this shiftless, drifting person without a real identity. or not even that. she might not even say anything or have a reason, i'll just wake up and she won't be there anymore.

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coleby
2016-11-13 11:10 pm (local) (link)

i feel like this thing though will only really get better when you have more confidence in yourself and identity. and you're gonna work on that, and i'm gonna help you. it'll get better. i just want you to be happy, man. i want you to laugh and enjoy all this, cause even if you don't think you earned or worked for this thing with tavy, you certainly survived enough to deserve it.

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	solomon 2016-11-13 08:23 am (local) (link)
	...wow so it turns out talking about my feelings is long as fuck. that's embarrassing. anyways, night. (Reply to this)(Parent)

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